Auto Pilot

Second morning, not waking up in Haiti.
I stayed busy yesterday, trying to mask the pain and longing I had for the Haitians and to fog over the images in my head of what I saw less than 24 hours prior.  I felt like I was on "auto pilot"

My son was home from College, so I wanted to spend time with him and visit with him, but as we talked , I was struggling to stay engaged.  I picked up the younger 2 boys from their sports, and I guess I expected them to somehow understand what I had been through.  My youngest who is 13 said..."aren't you glad to be home?"  I didn't have an answer that was completely truthful I guess. I was certainly happy to see my boys, hug them and thank God for them, but my heart was still in Haiti.  I wanted to walk out to the kitchen and see my team.  I wanted to fill my water bottle, and head out to the Tap Tap.

As I went to bed last night, I looked at my journal and reread my entries.  I had blogged on Tuesday about the Home for the sick and dying Babies and how it had affected me.  It was a profound day for me and one I thought I would never forget.  With everything that went on throughout our week, I had nearly forgotten the faces of the women that wanted me to care for their babies.  I don't want to forget.  Ever.  I cried myself to sleep, angered that my memories were already fading.

For those on my team that have taken trips before this one, I now understand what you meant when you said...."I had to go on another missions trip"  Its really not an option, I will go again.

Hanging on....
Sheila

Broken Hallelujah

I just returned from my sixth trip to Haiti.  Returning from my first trip was probably the hardest....readjusting to "normal" life after what I had seen.  But this one is a close second.....I'm in a fog, broken-hearted, confused and at the same time, so FULL.

Yesterday, I heard a song I've heard a thousand times in a different way.  The first line is "I can barely stand right now, everything is crashing down".  This is exactly how I felt after visiting General Hospital just two short mornings ago.  Twice during our week in Haiti, we couldn't go to General Hospital as we had planned.  On our one visit there to the abandoned adults building, our team was so broken and wanted to return to help so bad that no one hesitated to get up extra early and help with breakfast so that we could go before we headed to the airport.  The sacrifice was well worth it.

We arrived ready to serve.....we had met these people before....we knew their names and some of their stories and what help they would need.  Within minutes every single person from our team was on their knees next to a patient on their thin foam pad on the floor.....giving baths, changing diapers, feeding, dressing wounds, praying and loving.  My heart was so full....seeing each person do exactly what God called them to do with absolutely no hesitation.  My heart broke for one man who had soiled his bed and was being treated brutally by the staff there.....naked on the cement floor with some kind of cleaner being thrown at him.  So grateful that a few people from our team stepped in to clean him up, get him back on his bed, and pray over him while their tears drenched his body.

Luke 7:38 And standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears, and kept wiping them with the hair of her head, and kissing His feet and anointing them with the perfume.

Just as the sinful woman anointed Jesus before his crucifixion, I believe our team was anointing this man.....this man who was Jesus in his most distressing disguise. (Mother Theresa)

As things were settling down, I was able to paint some fingernails.  As soon as I had finished painting the nails and praying over one younger girl, she got up and beckoned me to follow her to a place outside where they can shower.  I didn't quite understand because there was no water, no showerhead, no soap.  Just a cement floor and wall.  With the help of others, we figured it out, got the supplies we needed, got her undressed, scrubbed her from top to bottom, brushed her teeth, powdered her neck and put a clean white dress on her.

While we were doing this, I noticed two men laying on the ground with some other Haitians around them.  I wasn't quite sure why they were there (they weren't there when we arrived) or what was going on and was determined to ask once we finished the shower.  It was soon discovered that these men had been dumped here by the ER hospital staff....literally next to the garbage cans.  While others attended to the naked man face down on the cement closest to the garbage can, I went to the other man who was trying to put his pants on.  I asked if he needed help and he said "wi".  As I straightened out his pants to try to help him put them on, I realized that they were filthy.  I looked down to see that he had no underwear and his body was also filthy and flies were covering his genitals and wounds.  I immediately grabbed the tub of water we had used for the shower and used cloth upon cloth to clean him.  It had been a long time since he was bathed.  I discovered a cut on his genitals and asked for our nurse Judy to come over.  One man on our team, Patrick, ran to the truck to give him some of his own clean clothes and as we dressed and bandaged this man, he screamed in pain.  I figured out that the pain was behind his knees which he refused to straighten.  I was able to get him to relax enough to see behind his knees......open yellow pussy wounds that I fought to keep flies off of as Judy cleaned and bandaged them.  He screamed in pain again as we let his knees back down.  He had been clutching money in his hand the entire time....I'm guessing all the money his family had when they dropped him off at the ER.....in the hopes it would be enough to pay for some help.  He tried to give his money to Patrick.  We were able to find a couple more mattresses so we were able to carry these two men into the "hospital".  (if you can call it that - cement floors, corrugated metal walls, openings for doors and windows, no doctors)  We were rushed for time, as we had to get on the road to make it to the airport on time.  But as I was getting ready to leave, this man's eyes pulled me down to the ground next to him......over and over he cried mesi, mesi, mesi, mesi, mesi, mesi.......such gratefulness for just cleaning and clothing him, but how could I not.  And how could someone else leave him naked, filthy, fly covered next to the trash.......how?

As we boarded the tap tap to leave, our entire team was in shock and tears.  We clung to each other trying to absorb what we just witnessed.  Men thrown out with the trash.  We cried and prayed and cried some more.

The next lines of the song leave me longing: "Even though I don't know what your plan is, you make beauty from these ashes".  I have no idea what is next, but God is stirring something inside of me and in so many I am close to.  There are so many "ashes" around us......I am waiting for the "beauty". It's so hard to wait, but I know that God's "beauty" will be amazing.

The chorus of the song goes like this: "I've seen joy and I've seen pain, on my knees I call Your name, Here's my broken halleluliah".  This week I saw so much joy especially on the day we took to the elders to the beach (probably my favorite day ever in Haiti) and so much pain at General Hospital (probably my hardest day ever in Haiti).

I am so full of joy and yet I am so broken.  "I raise these empty hands to You........"

Transformed

The first day home today was a tough one. I woke up, went to work and did my best to have a normal day, but just couldn’t. Putting rubber gloves on reminded me vividly of general hospital. The faces of those we loved, reeled through my mind constantly, I could not escape it. I look at all I have and feel almost disgusted, even though I know I shouldn’t necessarily. A maelstrom of emptiness, sadness, confusion, happiness and love fill my body. Never in my life have I felt the way I do now.

It has been less than 24 hours and I already want to go back. As a considered homebody, I never thought I would grow to love Haiti as I did. It taught me that home is not a place, but a feeling. Surrounded with people who cared about me, and people who lived life to the fullest I became a different person. I look at my own life entirely different. I need to accept that for awhile I will struggle to understand so much. It feels wrong being in Minnesota. I feel closer to the Haitian people who touched me, I feel closer to the people I spent the past week with, than I do to my own family.

The past week chewed me up and spit me out. I am struggling more than ever now in my life, and I love it. I love what happened to me, I love how transformed I am. I know now more than ever my purpose and calling.

Cheers,

John Dugas

Mixed emotions.

The past two days have been filled with such great sadness and such great joy. 

Visiting general hospital was one of the hardest things I have done. This hospital, had no power in the building we were in, and the nurses looked helpless. It was here that I looked death in the face. Some of the people I encountered in the first building looked as if they had little to no fight left. It was challenging for me to watch this. As I went around and bandaged and also provided whatever French translation I could, a man called me “doctor”. 7-10 years away from an actual doctorate, my basic knowledge of wound care, and human anatomy was perceived as so much more. These people looked at me as if I had all the answers when in actuality I was scared. Watching a bed sore devour this woman to the bone wasn’t as shocking as I thought it would be, it was not the sore that got me. The fact that this woman had not given up, despite her wounds, despite her paralyzation shocked me, her courage and bravery was remarkable. 

We proceeded to the infant area after the adult quarantine. I was checking for any visible sores that I could take care of, and applied several wrappings to children. What hurt me about this, is when I bandaged a young girl who had a cut on her elbow, she immediately tore off the wrapping, and her family did nothing about this. I didn’t know what to do because I had done what I could yet, the child and family did not understand the importance of keeping that wound covered. The very last child I came across was the most sad part of the trip. This little baby had retinoblastoma, it was evident because we extensively studied this in one of my first semester classes. It looked as though the cancer had spread past the pupils and was taking over most of the eye, if left untreated most certainly the infant would pass. The mother asked me in French, “Will my baby be okay?” and I froze. I didn’t have the heart to tell her what was happening. I do not know if this was the right thing to do, in not telling her but instead directing the conversation in a different direction. These thoughts go through my brain constantly when I lay in my bed at night, it eats away at me. 

Experiencing the HaItian Beach the next day was a nice day to get some things off of my mind. The elderly were so happy to be at the beach and were so eager to swim and feel the water. They collected the ocean and brought back home with them, this melted my heart, every single time they look at that they will remember the joy they had experienced that day. It was a special thing to be a apart of. 

At the beach I was able to play some soccer with the kids as well. They embraced Patrick and I from the start and really wanted to just have a good time, there was no judgement. Minimal judgement has been demonstrated by the Haitian people and this is something I hope to bring back to the states and make a conscious effort to improve upon in my life. 

Today we were able to go to Juno’s Orphanage. Kicking the soccer ball around of course, I unfortunately stepped on a stump of some sorts and sprained my ankle. This was actually kind of a blessing because when the kids sang their songs they put me in the middle of the circle on a chair, and I was surrounded by all of them which felt pretty special. The innocence of the children really gets to me at times, they are so happy all of the time, it is quite remarkable. 

Tonight was also special, and my team was the reason why. My team has been amazing all week. My birthday is the 19th and it was arranged to have a little celebration for me. I had no idea this was coming. It truly meant the world to me that they remembered and were there to share this special day with me. I am so happy I am able to spend it in Haiti with people who care about me. I love them. 

This trip has taught me so much about the world, about people, and about life. I am so humbled and honored to be part of such an experience, I cannot wait to come back and continue to make a difference. The way the people treat you here is what life is all about. This place feels more like home than anything I have experienced. 

-John Dugas 

It's the little things......

Today was a good day. No. Today was a great day! Today we had the privilege of bringing 20 elders  from the Eldercare program to the beach.  For most of them, it was their very first time to the beach EVER! (The oldest was 104!)

As we pulled up to Grace Village to pick them up they were all sitting in a line waiting patiently for us. This was an exciting day for them so they had bathed, powdered and put on their best clothes all for this trip to the beach. 

A 40 minute bus ride later, we pulled up to the crowded beach (picture spring break) and loaded them off of the bus. Some of them thought we were only there so that they could bathe, so they started to take off their swimsuits! They were giggling like school children, pointing at each other and joking. These people have great senses of humor and it’s a good thing because let me tell you, we were quite the spectacle and a crowd gathered to watch us and take pictures. We slowly walked all of them down to the water and as soon as they felt it you could see the pure joy fill their faces. I have never seen anything like it. They were like children again. Splashing each others faces, pulling each other into the water and laughing uncontrollably. They kept saying, Mesi Jezi, Mesi Jezi.....thank you Jesus. Some of them were bottling up the water and when we asked what they were doing in fear they may try to drink it, they simply just wanted to bring some of the ocean water home with them (something my children would want to do). We cradled them like babies and brought them into deeper waters. I wondered what that would feel like but I could quickly see it on their faces. Pure joy, thankfulness, happiness, elation....like many things here, there are no words to explain. What a blessing to be a part of this day. A day they will never forget and most undoubtedly a day that we will never forget.

Sometimes it’s just the little things. 

Today was a great day. Mesi Jezi.

Feelings like never before...

Today we experienced something that our eyes and hearts will never forget. As we walked into general hospital unsure what to expect, we were nearly frozen at the sight of devastation. This area in the hospital was one room filled with thin mattresses on the cement floor, with people in pain and in need of desperate help. we can't even begin to describe the pain that we saw on their faces. From bed sores to the bone, to gun shot wounds, to a paralyzed pregnant woman, we didn't know where to begin our tender care. As we started to rub their arms and legs with lotion, you could immediately feel their bodies begin to relax and feel comforted. Many of the people we cared for had extremely high temperatures, their skin was radiating heat onto ours, and you could see the dehydration on their bodies. We laid our hands on them one by one and began to pray and sing for healing. Amongst all of the pain and suffering their faces were still glowing as if nothing was affecting them. Our faces on the other hand, showed the complete opposite, with tears falling from our faces we continued to show them our tender love and care. The feelings that came over all of us was something none of us have ever felt before. As we started to walk out of the room the tears continued to fall down our faces, and the emotions that we were feeling completely took over our bodies. The pain that we had felt, stuck with us throughout the rest of the day and into the night, and will never leave us.

Today at general hospital we learned to put all of our trust in God, to be his hands and feet, and to spread his love throughout the people suffering. Many of us were out of our comfort zone, but God took complete control over us and the fear was quickly forgotten. We were able to be his servants like we have been called to haiti to be. Today we have all gotten to experience something that not many people are able to.

Love,

Katie, Terra.

Love

Water truck day was amazing, there is no other way to put it. Watching the joy on the faces of all Hatians young to old was fulfilling. Arriving on the tap-tap, dozens of litte kids awaited us... we one by one got off, each of them wanting one thing and one thing only, love. Having 2-5 children climb on me as if I was jungle-gym was so much fun. The children are so full innocence and it is what drives their love for us. I was also able to carry several buckets of water deep into Cite Soleil and was even allowed access into several of the homes of the Haitian people. This was touching, yet heartbreaking all at the same time. These people were so delighted to just embrace love, and service, it really touched me.
Perhaps my favorite part of the day was visiting the Haitian Initiative. With music echoing throughout the town, what seemed to be hundreds of children were dancing with me in the middle of a gravel laced field. I was being goofy, and every single one of them loved it. Often times back home I feel judged which causes me to be self conscious which triggers many other negative events to happen in my life. The love and compassion these children displayed was truly moving.

After having a conga lined of dozens and dozens of children, we played "le foot" There was no organization to this whatsoever, everyone created an allegiance with someone, and played a free for all game. Children with bare-feet, holes in their shoes, ran all across a the gravel bit chasing a flat soccer ball. It truly warmed, and broke my heart. In this moment I did not care about myself though, I just continued to play soccer with the kids, and had a blast.
After I was about ready to pass out from running up and down the gravel pit, I sat along the wall that surrounded it. Immediately a swarm of Haitian children surrounded me asking me questions in French and Creole. One of them happened to have a pen, and wanted me to sign their shirt as if I was some international star like Ronaldo or Messi. To make things simple, I had each kid write down their name and age on my arms, hands and legs. They seemed to have great joy in doing this.

My heart honestly breaks everyday for these people. I do not know what to do, I am truly lost within my own mind. No other way to put it. I don't know what else to say...

-John Dugas